So last night Michael and I put Ezra to sleep then had our nightly ritual of watching The Office on Netflix in bed. After we watched a couple episodes we still weren't tired so Michael went off to read Glen Beck's book, "Arguing With Idiots", and I started reading "From Ashes to Africa", a memoir written by the Bottomly family, a couple who battled infertility and eventually adopted a baby boy from Ethiopia. When I finished the last page at 1:30 a.m I couldn't believe I had already read the entire thing. The quotes and scriptures mentioned were like food for my soul.
My mom had come over to visit and we were talking about our concerns about potentially entering into the "foster to adopt" program. What if the child has FAS or RAD, or is affected by drugs, etc... All these "what ifs"... then I read a quote from a fellow adoptive father in the book that said, '"we have learned how to spell faith: "R-I-S-K"'. This statement just screamed out at me b/c that is what I keep trying to tell Michael. That the Lord would not give us any more then we could handle and that to truly trust in Him we have to let go of our fear. I'm typically ready to jump in and wade through the waters and my long term plan is just to be ready for what life throws at us and stay positive, Michael is the realist and is much more cautionary so it's REALLY difficult for me to wait on him to get his mind and heart committed. So when I read this passage it also really spoke to me:
"God has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity
in the hearts of men, yet they cannot fathom what God has done from the
beginning to end."
This passage serves as a reminder to me that I am not living in "my time", it's His time and His will. It's easy for me to tell Michael that he needs to be more faithful by trusting the Lord that this is the right step for our family, but maybe I should be telling myself that I should trust that maybe the Lord needs more time to mold Michael to accept this calling.
I've never been good at waiting. When I want something I usually do whatever it takes to make it happen. I see our fellow adoptive parents moving on to second and third adoptions and my eyes turn green with envy! I adore being a mother and it makes me sick to think that right now somewhere there is a child that doesn't know love, is dirty and sick, is hungry and alone. There was another quote from their book that brought tears to my eyes:
"As far as I am concerned, the greatest suffering is to feel alone, unwanted, unloved. The greatest suffering is also having no one, forgetting what an intimate, truly human relationship is, not knowing what it means to be loved, and not having a family or friends."
- Mother Teresa
I've looked into the blank faces of these children. Nothing to lose, and everything to gain. There is no future, there is only surviving today.